by Kate
Our words matter. It matters how we talk to other people and it matters how we talk to ourselves (positive self-talk, people!). Words help shape our perception of our abilities and the world around us and words give us the power to articulate our needs and desires. This is incredibly important when it comes to talking about money and finances. Sometimes I find myself repeating comments about money that I hear other people say about debt or savings or how expensive things are in the city, whether I agree with them or not. I wasn't really listening to what I was saying, and my thoughts about money were changing because of it. The words we use change our thoughts, which in turn change our actions. And when I use certain phrases about money I accept perspectives that I don't actually agree with and am pulled in a direction I don’t necessarily want to go. So here are five phrases that I'm trying to stop saying in order to change my mindset about money, and what I now try to say instead.
1. “I can't afford it.”
This is an unusual one, because there are actually many things in the world that I can't afford (a 10-bedroom yacht, a Tesla, a shopping spree in Hong Kong). Except those aren't things that ever come up in my daily life. I'm not being pressured by my co-workers to go with them yacht shopping this weekend. Instead, I say things like “I can't afford to shop at Whole Foods,” “I can't afford that fancy condo in Georgetown,” or “I can't afford to eat at {insert fancy restaurant name here}.” But….LIES! Those are all LIES! We could shop at Whole Foods and move to Georgetown and eat at that restaurant every week (well, maybe every month). But if we did that our monthly savings rate would go down to zero and we'd be living more paycheck to paycheck. We value our high savings rate a lot more than a downtown condo or Whole Foods. So, while we could afford it - we choose not to.
Instead: “That isn't part of our budget right now.” -or- “We are choosing to focus our spending on something else.”
2. “Treat yourself!”
I've found that the more that I think about treating myself, the more willing I am to buy stuff unnecessarily and edge away from my positive spending habits. And if I decide to treat myself for something bigger (like a promotion or reward at work) I find that I am much more likely to “treat” myself for increasingly smaller events (like TGIF or finishing a report at work or successfully renewing my driver's license!). This phrase gives me permission to go off script, spend money without thinking, and practice poor habits (like buying that package of Twizzlers because I had a hard week at work). A real treat should be truly infrequent – a birthday or anniversary dinner, a yearly friends trip, a seasonal festival, or using the free airport lounge passes that came with your airline points credit card. Everything else should be integrated into my life as regular self-care or budgeted purchases.
Instead: “I'm taking some time for self-care!”
3. “It's only $5/$10/$15...”
This is perhaps the hardest one for me to eliminate from my words and my thoughts, and consequently the most important. I am a hardcore thrift shopper and one of the things I love about second hand items is that they are cheap enough that I don't have to worry too much about what they cost. If I am interested in the item, or mostly like it, or find it funny I'll probably buy it. Many times when I am trying to decide if I should buy a third winter coat or another pair of black flats or the first season of the West Wing I think “It's only $9/$5/$3...I can easily afford that.” And I can – but that is entirely beside the point. The point is that every single time I say “It's only...” I'm actually trying to justify something to myself. If I have to justify the purchase to myself based on its cheapness then that probably means I don't like it enough to buy it purely out of love. In which case, why am I spending money to own something that I only kind of like? Also, small purchases add up, and the more I say “It's only...” for small purchases the easier it is to think that way for larger purchases. Trying to train my brain out of this phrase is good discipline for being deliberate about my purchases in general.
Instead: “Do I love this item? Will I use it regularly? Will it make my life happier/more efficient/better?”
4. “I deserve it.”
I would highly recommend south Florida in a convertible. But let's face it - we could never keep up with this kind of lifestyle long term. These luxuries will just have to stay luxuries...
There's nothing better than that great big sigh of relief when you wrap up a big project or you finish a long stressful week. It makes a relaxing evening at home or a night out at the theater just that much sweeter, because “I deserve it.” Except, it's hard for me to think about how much I deserve something without straying into also feeling smug, entitled, and a little self-righteous. A healthier way to think about this would be to acknowledge and feel happy about achieving a positive result for something that I worked hard to accomplish. But as soon as “I deserve it” floats into my head I just get images of the Real Housewives and those ridiculous HGTV couples who deserve a four-story entry way and a large yard for their turtle (that last one is a real example). Avoiding entitlement is important in order to maintain a healthy relationship with money, so, for me, this phrase has got to go.
Instead: “Mission accomplished! Let's go relax/celebrate!”
5. “I could get used to this.”
This one pops up anytime I have a standout meal at a restaurant, stay in a fabulously trendy Air BnB apartment, or run across a hank of gorgeous hand-dyed yarn at the local yarn store. Oh, and that time we rented a convertible to drive through the Florida Keys on our honeymoon. What if I lived in that trendy apartment all the time with that convertible parked in the garage and a closetful of hand-knitted sweaters and a personal chef? Well, I would get used to it, that's what. And then I wouldn't feel that thrill of pleasure anymore when I stepped into my apartment or wore yet another merino wool sweater. I can feel it happening with our current apartment already. Our former house was big and old and I hated the cold wood floors in our bedroom. Our new apartment is all carpeted and I LOVE it. For the first few months I felt a jolt of pleasure every time I walked barefoot through the apartment (and T-dog showed his enjoyment by enacting prolonged rolling around rituals after every meal). But we've been here almost six months now, and I no longer feel that excited about the carpet. I am very happy about it, but it feels normal now and not so luxurious. So I've stopped trying to plan luxury items into my future daily life. Instead I plan how to include slices of luxury into our vacations or for a special occasion. It's okay for some things to just stay special.
Instead: “This is so fun right now!”
What phrases do you use about money in your daily life? Do you use any of these phrases about money? How do they affect your actions?
